i feel dead here.

or perhaps dying. like a flopping fish on a chopping board, gills fluttering, desperately trying to find some water to breathe. it's oxygen all the same, but yet, my oxygen has to come from water, and not the normal oxygen that everyone else breathes.

i'm not that kind of girl. i might never be that kind of girl. for 2 years i stopped thinking about that girl. it felt like the chains came off. and now, that girl haunts me again. everywhere.

i think i have the best possible friends i can have. they're beautiful people. beautiful, smart, funny, interesting, exciting and absolutely wonderful. and yet because some are not that kind of girl, they don't get what they deserve. this isn't right. because we don't conform, does it mean that we're anything less than those that either conform or just happen to fit into the mould?

sometimes i don't see the point in getting to know "strangers" here, because no one's a stranger. it's like trying to fish in rivers that you piss into -.- the 1 degree of separation thing is annoying me.

I must say I'm really starting to dislike fb. The presences of so many ppl makes me feel so suffocated. It doesn't help tt e distance btwn each fb user in this country is so ridiculously small.

The two of you have been out of my mind for awhile now. And to have you two suddenly crashing into my mind again like this is really jarring. I can never quite forget that bitter feeling. How foolish I was for allowing myself to be blinded. To believe the cynicism. To think any less of myself.

And yet at the same time, if given e chance to redo it all, I'd choose the same path again. Not for all e unhappiness, but for e lesson. It made everything so crystal clear. It made me understand what I wanted. And it brought me one of e most precious things. So for tt, I'm thankful. But I honestly am not sure if we can be like we were.

Somehow, I always felt like I was just a stranger to a friend.

This country's obsession with results, materialistic possessions, looks and rankings is getting to me. I'm getting affected by it and it upsets me. I was getting better in London. I was happier, more carefree. Perhaps in the eyes of the hardcore ones, I couldn't take the pressure of standards or I couldn't reach them - hence my aversion to them. There are things tt I've gotten and am and things tt i've missed out on or will never be. But tts life isn't it. What's meant to be will be. Obviously I don't mean to sit on your chair stupidly waiting for something to fall onto your lap. But I've given my all and I have no regrets. I'm happy with who I am and what I have. But the fact tt here can produce some of e most brilliant and yet constricted and narrowest minds I know scares me. In this meritocratic society obsessed with achievements, it scares me how big of a role they can play in future society. This kinda society I have no interest in. I'd gladly be somewhere else, maybe earning less or living differently, but happy and pursuing my dreams. No dream is too insignificant. And no one has e right to scoff at anyone's dreams.